Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I was too obvious

Today I spent 8 hours in the library to finish a 5 page paper that I had already done all the research for. When I came home it took me an hour an 15 minutes and like that I was done with my last college assignment.

This posting isn't about complaining over writing this paper- it was actually a very interesting topic, but instead sheer disappointment over my poor acting. I wasn't fooling anyone, especially myself, it's obvious why I took so long to write something so perfunctory. I didn't want to say good-bye and I didn't want it to be over.

I am going to miss the stress and the worry the most. I'm going to crave the anxiety that makes how much I care salient and tangible. I've spent years personifying stress so he'll push me harder and remind me where I'm going. It feels as though with out that next deadline I'm going to lose track of time. With out time I don't have goals and with out goals I have no way of defining myself.

I was too obvious about why I spent 8 hours in the library. I'm not ready to let go.

1 comment:

natatat said...

ohhh Mao Mao!

Whether this is comforting or no - the 'deadlines' aren't gone; life is full of them, the same way it's full of beginnings and ends, over and over. If anything has changed, it is the nature of those deadlines. Now, instead of papers and projects and a whole lot of practice-run life-in-theory, you can take everything you've learned, stressed over, worried over, sweated for, and stayed up for, and start what it was all preparing you for:

real life.

You're putting away your childish things because childish things no longer help the adult you now are to grow. Growth is about to explode upon you in a whole, new, adult way.

This is a dawn for you. It is nothing if not exciting. Exhilarating, yes, frightening, yes; but all the biggest, healthiest, most important, and most valuable things always are.

It's hard to be first, but I hope you feel comforted knowing that you are moving forward in a way none of us are yet, you are shedding stagnancy in a way none of us can yet and that is admirable of you. Don't be ashamed of your fear or your doubts, but also don't forget your pride and pleasures in your accomplishments; there are many.